


Assholes

by SparkyArcher



Series: Wardens to Inquisitors and Everything in Between [11]
Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Budding Love, Clueless on both sides, Dad's are scary, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Love Confessions, Mild Language, Sort Of, feelings are hard, just for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-10 19:54:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18667279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparkyArcher/pseuds/SparkyArcher
Summary: Zevran and Willow are all for fun times but neither of them do 'feelings'. Leliana and Alistair help them realise otherwise. Hilarity ensues.





	1. Leliana You Bitch

Leliana laughed as she watched Willow whistling away while she cleaned her shield. The Warden seemed to be in an exceptionally good mood this evening. As such, the bard strolled over and sat next to the elf with a silly grin on her face as well.  
“Willow, you seem different.” Leliana began, watching her friend’s reactions closely, specifically how her grin just got bigger, “Happier, almost.”  
“Honey, I feel happier.” Willow answered giddily, putting her shield down to give Leliana her full attention. That’s when said woman noticed the Warden’s usual braid noose was absent from her hair and she was, in fact, wearing simple cottons instead of her armour. A mischievous grin came to Leliana’s face as she mock gasped at her friend.  
“Did you and Zevran finally-“ She didn’t need to finish the sentence as Willow nodded with a cheeky smile and a wink. Everyone in camp knew the Warden and the assassin fancied each other so really it was only a matter of time in many people’s opinions.  
“I don’t normally kiss and tell but Zevran has given me a new appreciation for sex and the male species.” She whispered conspiratorially, more to avoid waking any of their sleeping companions than anything else, “I do feel a little sorry for Alistair, though, he thought I was being murdered.” The pair giggled as Leliana was finally able to put that piece together, she’d heard Alistair curse the Maker and pray to be blinded, now she knew why.  
“Was he really that good?” Leliana asked, she’s not normally one to pry but it had been years since she’d had any sort of girl talk and Morrigan simply wasn’t up to the task.  
“I usually don’t praise the Maker but holy damn that man has got a gift!” Willow giggled like a school girl again, a small amount of pink coming to her cheeks that anyone else would have dismissed as her tattoos. Leliana had never seen her like this before, smiling like a fool, giggling like a little girl and blushing, actually blushing. There was more to this story than sex and the rogue knew it.  
“I never thought I’d see the day.” Leliana laughed at the confused look on Willow’s face, “You’re definitely smitten.” She had suspected for some time now that the two elves attraction went deeper than physical but with how quick Willow was to shake her head and start denying it, she could now confirm it.  
“Smitten? What?” Willow panicked, “No! We’re not in a- I mean we don’t- It’s just casual!” She quickly gave up with a sigh. “Ah fuck.”  
“An appropriate choice of words.” Leliana giggled, delighting in the fact she helped her friend realize her true feelings for the man she had taken to her bed.  
“Leliana you bitch.” Willow groaned, “Now it’s complicated.”  
“How so?”  
“We said we weren’t going to involve feelings and now feelings there are.” She sighed, dropping her head into her hands. “Zev doesn’t do emotion. This is meant to be a casual thing.”  
“If you feel something it will only be worse in the long run not to tell him.” Leliana offered, “I’m sure if you told him how you feel, he will understand.”  
“And if he doesn’t?”  
“Then you can come cry on my shoulder.” Leliana smiled warmly, laughing with Willow as they both stood up to stretch.  
“Just so we’re clear, I’m gonna wait for the right time to tell him. So don’t be surprised if it takes me a couple of days.” Willow giggled, sitting down again and going back to her shield once she realised there was nowhere for her to go.  
“You can kill a dragon without flinching but admitting your feelings makes you shake in your boots?” Leliana tutted jokingly, “Some Warden.”

As the rogue made her way back to her tent, she grinned. She had caught a glimpse of blonde hair peeking out of Willow’s tent towards the end of their conversation. The next few days would be interesting.


	2. Alistair You Brick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zevran talks to Alistair. Alistair is clueless. Is there a better combination?

Zevran was all for flirting and casual sex, that was practically his life, and he was certainly enjoying the attention from the elf Warden but there was something stuck in the back of his brain. He wasn’t sure what it was but whenever Willow came over to speak with him his normally high spirits shot straight through the roof. Not only that but he’d been paying extra close attention to her safety in battles lately and his heart nearly stops every time she takes a blow. Leliana had even jokingly (seriously) pointed out that Zevran was falling for the Warden.  
Hard.  
But that couldn’t be, Zevran Arainai didn’t do feelings and neither did Willow Tabris for that matter. Sure they flirted _all_ the time and sure they’d even been to bed together more than a few times but it was no strings attached right? The Antivan elf glanced over to Willow, who was currently engaged in her favourite pastime of annoying the dwarves, and sighed. Wrong. His chest tightened in longing as Willow’s laugh rang through the camp and she ran away from the angry dwarves.  
So it was true, he had developed…….feelings. Not that that would be a bad thing per say but, like Zevran, Willow didn’t usually involve emotions and that made things tricky. The last thing Zevran wanted was to say something stupid, get his hopes up and then have them crushed because Willow was only looking for something casual. So Zevran decided that if he was going to make an emotional move on Willow he’d have to know how she felt as well and therein lies the issue, he really couldn’t just ask her. He could talk to Leliana about it but then there would be endless teasing and Willow would find out within the evening, there was always Wynne, no wait she didn’t like him. Shale would be no help, neither would Sten for that matter, Ogrhen was as likely to care as a Darkspawn was to sing and Tornta would be no help whatsoever. So that left-  
“Alistair! My friend! How are you?” Zevran called, slinging an arm around Alistair’s shoulders like they were the very best of friends.  
“Friends?” Alistair snorted, “Oh I get it, this is the part where you try to butter me up with compliments, seduce me and then murder me in my sleep right?” Usually Zevran would come back with some snarky comment of his own but instead he just chuckled.  
“Trust me, you are not the one I’m intending to seduce.” He laughed as Alistair cringed.  
“Right, you and Willow have been keeping me up for the last week. Seriously when do you two sleep?” The male Warden complained with a shudder, he still remembered the first night when he had mistaken certain sounds for his friend being murdered and stumbled upon a very intimate moment.  
“Ah yes, sorry about that.” Zevran was not sorry at all and his face showed it, “But speaking of Willow, I was wondering have you noticed her looking at anyone lately?” At the odd question, Alistair shot Zevran a very confused look.  
“Of course.” Alistair shrugged, unintentionally getting the elf’s hopes up, “I mean she has to look at everyone right? It’s not like she can walk around with her eyes closed."  
“Perhaps you’re not understanding me, have you noticed if she’s seeing anyone.” Zevran tried again, this time with a glance over to the subject of the conversation currently rolling around on the ground in a good natured fight with the dwarf Warden.  
“Well I’d assume if she’s looking at people she’s seeing them.” Alistair responded really not getting the hints. Zevran sighed in annoyance deciding subtlety is not Alistair’s strong suit.  
“What I mean is do you think Willow likes me?” Zevran asked again but received the same confused look as before.  
“I’d be concerned if she didn’t with the amount of 'quality time' you two have been spending together.” Alistair was started to become concerned for the Antivan elf’s sanity and said elf was close to rolling on the ground in despair at the idiocy of the man before him.  
“Alistair you are truly thick as a brick.” Zevran sighed, “Do you know if Willow is in a romantic relationship with anyone?”  
“I don’t think she is.”  
“Do you think she’d be open to being in such a relationship with me?” At that question, Alistair chocked on air and Zevran was tempted to cheer in delight that he finally got his point across.  
“Why would I know something like that?!” Alistair gawked and Zevran shrugged.  
“You two seem rather close, I thought you might know.” He answered.  
“Well you’ll have to ask her yourself because I don’t.” Finally Alistair turned away from the assassin with arms crossed over his chest and Zevran huffed in annoyance. Well that was no help. It seemed Zevran was going to have to go for the direct route and ask her, now the only question was how.

The earring! Zevran grinned to himself as he headed to his tent, now all he had to do was wait for the right time.


	3. This Won't Hurt A Bit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Willow does not have pierced ears. That is a problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm fairly sure I posted this on it's own as well but I thought it fit here as well.

It was beautiful, truly simple and yet elegant, certainly the sort of earring a noble would wear but that wasn’t the reason Willow had spent the last hour staring at it. She hadn’t thought of what she was going to do with it when Zevran had given it to her and they had agreed to call it a proposal but it had occurred to her shortly after that she did not have pierced ears.   
“Hey dwarf!” Willow called as Tornta strolled passed.  
“What do you want elf?” Tornta huffed, crossing her arms over her chest, so much for a nice evening stroll.  
“You have pierced ears right?” The elf asked despite being able to plainly see said piercings.  
“Are you blind as well as stupid?” Tornta mocked, a smirk crossing her face as her frienemy scowled.  
“What’s with you dwarves and calling me blind?” Willow muttered, “Anyway, where did you get them done?” She asked anyway, now was not the time she wanted to get on the dwarf’s bad side.  
“I did some of them myself. Why?” Her question was answered when she glanced to the elf’s hand and saw the gold earring. Tornta’s smirk only winded and her hands dropped to her side as she forced herself not to laugh. “You wanna pierce your ear?” The only response she got was Willow nodding, “I can do that for you.”   
“Really?” Willow grinned, she’d seen a few people with piercings and thought it’d be a simple enough process.  
“Yeah sure, you got the earring so why not?” Normally Tornta’s grin would raise some red flags for Willow but she was too wrapped up in the idea of actually having a piercing. Maker her father was going to murder her. “Oh, I’m gonna enjoy this.” Tornta muttered to herself evilly. 

It didn’t take long to find a needle and as Tornta left it to disinfect in boiling water, Willow’s nerves were starting to kick in.  
“This isn’t going to hurt is it?” Willow asked, shifting nervously on the ground, Maker she could fight an ogre and not flinch but this was getting her nervous.  
“Nah, I’ve gotten plenty piercings and they didn’t hurt. Trust me, this won’t hurt a bit.” Tornta told her, for once she was telling the truth, “But if you squirm or move at all, I’ll stab you in the face.”  
Willow gasped, “Not my beautiful face! I’ll be ruined!” She giggled, attempting to hide her discomfort with humour.  
“Alright, the needle should be ready now. Sit still.” Tornta ordered, retrieving the needle from the water carefully. The dwarf positioned the needle just shy of the tip of Willow’s ear but went no further, “’Bout here good?” she asked.  
“Yeah.” There was a moment of silence before Tornta stabbed the needle straight through the elf’s ear.

No one had ever heard Willow scream so loud before, half of Thedas probably heard it, but she stayed true to her orders and didn’t move an inch.  
“Andraste’s holy mother!” Willow cursed as Tornta slipped the earring in, “Sweet Maker that hurt like a bitch!” She squeaked as Tornta started laughing, “You said it wouldn’t hurt you rotten little liar!” Willow’s hands clutched her ear to her head when she was allowed to move and she glared at the dwarf practically rolling on the ground.  
“Well mine didn’t so I didn’t think yours would either.” Tornta managed to choke between laughs.  
“Well obviously you didn’t seem to realise that elf ears are way more sensitive than dwarf ears!” Willow hissed, tears now actually starting to drip down her face and she actually sobbed in pain. Oh the things she does for the man she loves.  
“Oops.” Tornta smirked, cleaning off the needle and tossing it back into the boiling water to clean it again.  
“Sweet Maker, never let me do that again.” Willow sniffed, finally releasing her ear as the brunt of the pain subsided but the sting was still there.  
“I thought you liked playing with sharp things?” Tornta laughed again at the glare she received.  
“Jamming a needle through my ear is not what I would call playing.” Willow huffed, “But thanks for doing this anyway.”


	4. Whoops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zevran doesn't do 'civil conversation' and Willow suddenly regrets bringing him home to meet her dad.

The Denerim Elvhen alienage had finally calmed down somewhat as the Tabris family and friends sat down for dinner. Cyrion had insisted that his daughter and her friends stayed for the night and Willow had instantly agreed after all she had missed her father and cousins greatly since joining the Grey Wardens, not that she’d ever admit it. The evening had been pleasant so far but the inevitable conversation came up as the oldest elf put down his cutlery and glanced at the Antivan sitting far too close to his daughter for his liking.  
“So, Zevran.” Cyrion started, gaining the painted elf’s attention, “You’re engaged to my daughter?” he asked sceptically, after all the fuss Willow had put up about marrying Nelaros he found it hard to believe that she would just accept someone’s proposal.   
“Wait, really?” Zevran responded in disbelief, turning to his fiancée, “Willow, why didn’t you tell me?” Willow rolled her eyes at his theatrics and continued munching on her dinner and conversing with Alistair.   
Cyrion chuckled, “Well, at least you’ll be able to keep up with her wit. Although I do have a few questions, mind answering them?” Had Willow turned her head at that point she would have seen the smirk on Zevran’s face and maybe she would have been able to stop the impending disaster.  
“If they are dirty ones, certainly.” Zevran’s tone spoke many levels of smug as Willow, Soris and Shianni spat out their wine and turned to the Antivan in disbelief. Cyrion didn’t react beyond momentarily narrowing his eyes before turning them to his daughter that was, for once, rendered speechless in embarrassment.   
“Are you sure you want to marry this man?” He asked with a sigh as Willow simply shrugged and Zevran pulled her a bit closer just for good measure. “Next you’ll be telling me he’s on top of you every night too.”  
“Oh no, not every night!” Zevran chirped, “Sometimes it’s the other way around.” Willow had never been as concerned for Zevran’s life as she was right now. The glare her father was sending him was like something that had been dragged from the deepest pits of the Deep Roads and everyone at the table wondered how Zevran was still smiling under the weight of it.  
“Is that so?” Cyrion ground out between grit teeth. Zevran went to talk back yet again but Willow’s elbow in his ribs stopped him.  
“Not another word.” The red head hissed, “Normally I wouldn’t care about what you’d say next but you’re talking to my father and he is scarier than any archdemon! If you want to live you will shut your mouth right now.”  
Zevran could only grin, “Whoops.”


	5. By The Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Willow isn't the sharpest tool in the shed but this is ridiculous.

It was a celebration, a private one certainly, but a celebration nonetheless. The group of friends sat around the King’s table in the great hall, the only ones _in_ the great hall, as they shared drinks and laughs. Though their numbers had dwindled since the beginning of their quest those that remained still celebrated their triumph.

Yes it had been five years since the three Grey Warden’s had killed the Archdemon. We’ll not go into detail because that’s where things get messy, you know blood, Darkspawn guts and what not.

“I remember it like yesterday. The look on Alistair’s face when he found that mangled chewed up squirrel in his bed roll!” Tornta laughed, tossing back her drink as Alistair sent her a good natured scowl.  
“Yes, thank you for that, I’ve still got it hanging on the wall.” He quipped and sent the group into laughter once more  
“You’re not drinking tonight?” Leliana had quietly leaned over to the elf Warden while everyone continued their conversation. Reluctantly, Willow pried her attention from the conversation of Alistair’s smelly shirts to look at the rogue with a small shrug.  
“Don’t really want to.” She responded. Leliana smirked as she leaned back in her chair and sipped her own drink. “What are you up to?” Willow asked in concern, nothing ever good came from that smirk it meant Leliana had noticed something and she was always noticing things.  
“Oh nothing.” Leliana hummed, retreating to her seat next to her dwarven wife as Willow settled herself against Zevran once again.

The sun had barely set and the group had barely gone through a case of wine (Anora did not approve) when Willow started yawning.  
“Are you feeling alright?” Zevran finally asked when Willow had made herself comfortable with her head on his shoulder. She nodded before looking up at him with those deceivingly innocent amber eyes.  
“Fine. Why do you ask?” The following yawn only increased the Antivan assassin’s concern as he shifted to wrap an arm around his wife’s shoulders.  
“You’ve not been drinking lately and you’ve been more tired than usual.” He stated, giving her his full attention. Just like with Leliana she simply shrugged him off.  
“Is that so bad?”

A few hours later and just about everyone who couldn’t handle their alcohol or had actually been drinking was just about gone. So really only Alistair had gone to bed. That left everyone else to talk about whatever they wished.  
“We were passing through a village the other day and there was this cutest little boy playing hide and seek with his sister and her friends. Oh it was just so sweet!” Leliana gushed, she’d been going on about these kids for the last ten minutes but it seemed something she said had struck a chord with our resident smart ass as Willow shot up in her seat, nearly head butting her seat in the process.  
“Oh!” She gasped, spinning on the spot in Zevran’s lap, “By the way, Zevran, I think I might be pregnant.” She chirped with a smile. Zevran froze on the spot, ale mug half way to his mouth and nearly spilling over the edge.  
“Knew it.” Leliana smirked.

For a time he was completely still. He said nothing, did nothing, he didn’t even seem like he was breathing.  
“I think you broke him.” Tornta snickered.  
“Zev? Hello?” Willow called, waving a hand in front of his face, “Did you hear me? You’re going to be a dad.” The words finally got through his thick Antivan skull as the widest, stupidest grin consumed Zevran’s face.  
“I’m going to be a father.” At first it was a whisper but when he looked between Willow’s belly to her face he nearly shouted it for all of Denerim to hear. “I’m going to be a father!” Zevran abruptly stood, taking Willow with him, as he spun her around in a hug.  
“I think he’s excited.” Leliana giggled as Zevran jumped around like a child.  
“How long have you known?!” The grown ass child demanded, gently grasping the mother of his child by the shoulders.  
“I dunno, two maybe three months?” No one could believe it. She actually had to think about the answer to that. The woman’s forgetfulness was unbelievable.  
“And you didn’t tell me?!”  
“I forgot.” Willow shrugged but it didn’t seem to matter as Zevran found it far more interesting to start telling the entire castle staff that he was going to be a father. “I think you’re right, dwarf, I broke him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why this amused me but it did. For those interested, they have a little girl and her name is Nina Arainai.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't you just love Leliana and her prying ways?


End file.
